Sunday, August 5, 2007

10 Ridiculous Claims Made by Nickelback

Every now and again there comes a few musical artists that we all wish would just go away. Nickelback would be at the top of that list for me. For one thing the singer looks like this guy that used to hang out by my grade school in his van and try to give us candy. (This was before they started watching for that kind of stuff.)

The singer is the guy with the hair, but I'm sure you could have guessed that.

Besides that, there is one thing that gets to me even more about this band, their totally awful lyrics. I have compiled a list of 10 ridiculous lyrics from the worst band in the world.

10. How You Remind Me - "I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle"

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here Mr. Chad Robert Turton-Kroeger (Thank you Wikipedia) that you are referring to drinking alcohol. But here you are claiming that you have drank every bottle of alcohol ever manufactured in the history of human civilization. We are talking about bottles of wine from the Middle Ages, we are talking about all the bottles of liquor I know that I've drank along my my friends. I know for certain you were not at any of our parties. Did you ever even consider the toll that would take on your liver? You have one hell of a make up artist because I'm pretty sure you should be yellow with jaundice.

9. Fly - "Wings for her and I and I don't mind Cause I have always wanted to learn to...Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly..."

Umm Chad, I'd really hate to break this to you...people can't fly. Yeah even with wings. I would assume you would already know that considering the overwhelming lack of people in the air. Anyways, Pink Floyd already has a song called "Learning to Fly" which rocks way more than your song, which I'm only guessing considering I've never actually heard yours.

8. Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting) - "It's getting late I haven't seen my date so tell me when the boys get here, It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock, Want to get a belly full of beer"

Nothing I could come up with was funnier than the lyrics themselves. Touche' Chad, Touche'.
(God, Yes I know Elton John wrote this song, it's only dumb when it comes out of Chad's mouth though)

7. Animals - "You're beside me on the seat. Got your hand between my knees. And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze. It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear. But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears"

I'm going to let you slide here on the part where you have everyone believing you could get a girl in a car without rohypnol (roofie). But in all honesty, this whole song is retarded. I couldn't pick which lyric to mock. Anyways, Chad, a car's acceleration is not controlled by how fast someone squeezes your body, it is controlled by the gas petal. On the same note, people don't have gears, we are not robots, except maybe your fans. Finally, why is it hard to steer when someone is breathing in your ear? Haven't you ever driven with your windows open? The wind is much stronger than someones breath.

6. Feelin' Way Too Damn Good - See the title

You can only be 'Feelin' Too Damn Good' or 'Feelin' Way Too Good'. Say it aloud for me 'Feelin' Way Too Damn Good'. That makes about as much grammatical sense as your current fame.

5. If Everyone Cared - "If everyone cared and nobody cried. If everyone loved and nobody lied. If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, Then we'd see the day when nobody died"

Guess what, if everyone cared and nobody cried...then people wouldn't know what hate and crying were. Idiot. The positive part of the spectrum of emotions would lose it's whole meaning. They wouldn't be positive emotions anymore, they would just be normal. Chad have you ever thought about what would happen if nobody died? Did you ever think that maybe there is a reason people die? Maybe because it makes people cherish their lives because of how short they are. If nobody died, then no one would appreciate their lives you moron. Not to mention the overpopulation the Earth would experience since you stopped the natural order of everything. Nice job.

4. Rockstar - The whole theme behind the song

The song doesn't make sense. It's a rock song about wanting to be a rock star? From a band that has sold like 20 million albums. Doesn't that make you a rock star? Thus rendering your entire song pointless.

3. Rockstar - "And a big black jet with a bedroom in it, Gonna join the mile high club, At thirty-seven thousand feet (Been there, done that)"

Yeah right.

2. TIE Rockstar - "I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame, I'd even cut my hair and change my name"

Why would you need to cut your hair to be a rock star? Wouldn't the exact opposite be true?

2. TIE Rockstar - "Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial"

Who still uses speed dial? Wouldn't his name just be in your cell phone?

1. Rockstar - "'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars and live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars"

Not everyone wants to be a rock star. Some people want to be doctors or astronauts. I, personally, want to be an Internet humorist. I appreciate you taking the time to make the decision of what I want to be for me. Also, I'll assume you didn't mean drive fifteen cars at once, considering the impossibility of that. But have you ever tried to get insurance quotes for 15 cars? Unless you are talking about the 15 cars you always have had in your front yard, it's probably going to really expensive. Actually I probably wouldn't expect someone like you to drive with insurance.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Trifecta of Evil

There is an evil among least those of us that live near the Eastwood mall complex (The largest shopping complex in the United States). I'm sure most of you have been to at least one of these three atrocities. Starbucks, Cold Stone, and Chipotle.I know you are thinking 'What could be so evil about these places hahaha'. I say to you, it's too late for you my friend, it's too late.
Let's break these places down for you shall we.


Everyone knows Starbucks, and I'm sure almost every has at one time had a beverage from there. I'm not saying they don't have good drinks, I'm just saying they are straight from hell. Think about what are you are buying from them...Bean flavored hot water...for 4 DOLLARS. Why does this make sense to some people. It costs them like 8 cents to make the drink...then they tack on 3.92 for the "Cool" factor. There I said it, people who drink Starbucks coffee think they are cool. Why else would you go there instead of going to McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts, Gas station or for the love of God making it yourself. Seriously lame.

Cold Stone

This little gem of a store sells ice cream for exorbitant prices. HAHAH we sing songs to take your mind off of the fact you are spending what minimum wage workers make in an hour for a damn frozen dessert. It's really not that good, I've had it...once. Who the hell needs their ice cream hand mixed? Guess what, if you buy some from a grocery store it comes pre-mixed with whatever you want in it and for a A LOT cheaper and you can feed your entire block with it.


I think this place might bug me the most. The interior is God-Awful with it's industrial metallic look...stupid. Seriously, has this place ever heard of spices? or flavor for that matter, it is probably the most bland food I've ever had.

chi·pot·le -Pronunciation Key -Spelled Pronunciation[chi-poht-ley; Sp. chee-pawt-le]
a pungent red pepper, often pickled and eaten as an appetizer or added to meat stews, sauces, etc.

Weird they don't seem to be using any of those in their cooking. And why in the world do they wrap everything in aluminum foil...get the fuck out of here. They pride themselves on it because it's environmentally friendly because you can recycle it. Give me a Styrofoam dish like I want, save the environment on your own time, not on mine.

Closing Argument

If you or anyone you know goes to these places regularly let them know that if they have/are/planning to major in a business related field i.e. marketing, purchasing, accounting they might as well quit now. You just failed your Intro to Business class...ALL businesses frown on irresponsible spending and management of money, no company will ever hire you if they know you would rather pay 4 dollars for a cup of coffee than pay 79 cents at Speedway. Have fun working for the next Enron or MCI Worldcom. Idiots.

Note: I realize there is a 4Th store in that shopping area...CiCi's Pizza. Since CiCi's is delicious and very cheap (Under 5 for all you can eat buffet) I chose to leave them out of this, they are the light in that dark evil area. Besides I wouldn't have been able to say Trifecta if I included them.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Corporate Creativity at it's Best

The Blackberry mascot is...get this...a giant walking...Blackberry. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one? Seriously, how long could that have taken to come up with.

"Hey guys I've got it...hear me out...let's take the Blackberry handsets we sell and add arms and legs, but on a much larger scale, maybe even a person in a costume."

"That's the best idea I've heard all week! Pack your things my friend you are moving to the corner office, I want to hear what other brilliant ideas you have."

FREE SLIGHTLY MORE CREATIVE IDEA: How about a giant walking Blackberry, as in the fruit. I know it's a stretch, but I think some people could make the connection.

That. is. stupid.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Google is Skynet

For those of you who are immune to Terminator movie references let me rephrase. Google is taking over the world. They have conquered the internet, and are moving into television, radio and print as we speak. Adding their advertising system to any form of media out there. I took the liberty here to point out some ideas of where they can venture next. These ideas are meant to be a humorous slant on Google's seemingly endless ideas for diversity in their business model, however, if anyone at Google is reading this, and thinks one of these ideas is good, they are for sale.

Google Hospital
This service would include a hospital or chain of hospitals offering state-of-the-art health care at no cost to the patient whatsoever. The cost would be ofset by advertising in every way imaginable. The waiting room, patient rooms, even the operating room while you are under sedation. Think about it, you go in the hospital for a colonoscopy, and during your visit you are swarmed with ads personalized for you, such as anal creams and special padded seats, and other items pertaining to your illness. You get free health care and great insight into things you were going to need to buy anyway.

Google Air

A free international airline supported by Google AdWords. You pick your destination, and fly there for free. During the flight you are advertised to with various ads pertaining to you personally, probably pertaining to your destination. It would give you the products and services of the location you are heading to. For example: Hotels, Restaurants, Movies, Entertainment, Prostitution. Sounds like it can't miss.

Google University

Tapping into the 18-25 demographic, Google U brings college eduction to anyone willing and again, for free. The catch is all the text books have adwords as well as every classroom. So while your professor lectures, Adwords will be on display behind him. The ads would mostly consist of things college aged kids buy i.e. Beer, condoms, ramen noodles and beer.

Google Brain

For you knowledge seekers out there, Google Brain offers all the knowledge in the world accessible through a chip implanted in the brain. For example: You want to know everything about pickles, you just think of pickles and through the power of the future internet and collaboration with WikiPedia you instantly have that knowledge. Sounds great right? Well, again it's free, but the chip's AdWords can tell you exactly what to buy and you basically listen because it's part of your brain. It gets kind of complicated after that.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Dumbest Person Alive

Ok, so I never really write blogs of personal events, but something happened recently that I just had to make fun of. The names are being withheld from the story to protect the idiots.

Ok, here is the background. My friend goes to Iraq for like 9 months and basically towards the end his girlfriend breaks up with him for another guy, while he's still over there. This could just end here and be another sad war story, and life goes on. But, what I didn't mention is my friend is in the Special Forces AKA he's a Green Beret. Oh and just to clear it up, the guy she left him for isn't. Now just think about the guy she left him for, that was a very poor decision of his part. No forsight whatsoever.I can only imagine how the dialouge of that conversation went.

directly after first kiss or first whatever

Girl: Hey, I gotta tell you something

Boy: Ok...what is it?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: Oh, wow...where is he at I've never seen him?

Girl: He's in Iraq...he's in the Army

Boy: Oh. (growing more concerned)....what's he do in the army?

Girl: He's a Green Beret

Boy: .......

Still, this was not enough to send him running for the hills. My question to this guy is; Haven't you ever seen Rambo? If I learned anything during my childhood it was Rambo is a Green Beret, therefore I should never ever mess with Rambo or any other Green Beret for that matter. He killed an entire Vietnamese Army along with a Soviet Military unit in First Blood Part II without getting shot, and with a gun, knife and a bow and arrow. Yet this guy thinks it's 'OK' to steal away a girlfriend of one of them. Not only could he spliter cell across your ceiling in the darkness of the night, and quietly kill you in your sleep and escape without anyone knowing or any evidence being left. He could just flat out kick your ass. I don't care if the girl is a supermodel millionaire, I would be out so fast. I thought maybe this guy is just ballsier than me, turns out he just may be the dumbest person alive. Let me leave you with this quote from the great Colonel Trautman

"You don't seem to want to accept the fact that you're dealing with an expert in guerilla warfare. With a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, to ignore weather, to live off the land. To eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill, period! Win by attrition. Well, Rambo was the best! "

I can't remember if this picture is my friend or Rambo, but regardless why would you want confrontation with that?

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Cool, Green, Minty, and Seductive

Ahh March, the one month a year that it is not only socially acceptable to start drinking early in the morning, it is encouraged. But thats not what makes this month great to me, oh no, not even close. What makes this month great to me is way more sensual and forbidden. Something that sends your tastebuds into orgasmic flurry. I'm talking about Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's.

I find myself building up antiscipation around the beginning of February for the milky green icon. Then as soon as they become available I jump at the opportunity. While waiting for the milkshake to come, I can't help but think to myself, "maybe it's not as good as I remember...maybe it's just the year long wait that made me think I couldn't wait for one". Oh man was I wrong..I watched the McDonald's girl pour the emerarld green confection that has brought joy to my life so many times before. I could not wait to tap into the well of Irish goodness that awaited me. As the cool triple think goodness that you come to expect from McDonald's hits your lips, you start to taste the ever-so-mild mintiness you were craving all year long. I could have died right then and there at the first taste, but God, being the great God that he is allowed me to enjoy the entire large malkshake without any interruptions.

What amazes me the most about this month are the amount of people who have never tried one, I can not imagine going through my life having not experienced the magic. My life milestones are as follows: 1. The birth of my son. 2. My near-future wedding. 3. First Shamrock Shake; in that order. What also amazed me was in my research I found that MOST of the U.S. does not have S.S.'s, not even in March. They are only brought out to very selective markets, and by the grace of God I live in one of them!

Ahh March, as always will come to an end. What I wouldn't give to enjoy minty flavored frozen sex in a cup all year long. But, wouldn't that take away from the mystique of the Shamrock Shake that I hold so dear to me? Alas, I do believe so. Until next year I shall hold you near me in my dreams as I run through patches of clovers in Ireland as I sip away at your sweet nectar of mint and marvel at your greatness.

Monday, February 26, 2007

...For Dummies Books for Dummies

I'm sure everyone has seen a ".......For Dummies" book in their lives. Have you ever seen some and wondered, "Why would you need an entire book for that." Now, I'll be honest, I've never opened one of these books up in my life. Namely, because I don't want a store clerk at Border's to think I am dumb or need a certain subject explained to me in layman's terms, which I don't. Let's examine some specific titles shall we:

Google For Dummies

Ok, I can't possibly imagine why you would need an entire book for this. Seriously, I kid you not, it is 360 Pages. How can you possibly need 360 pages to explain how to type something into a search engine. Then again, I've seen so many people type long run-on sentences into Google pretty much explaining what they are searching for. Example: "I am looking for shirts for my dog, (He is a Golden Retriever) preferably red ones but not green, fun patterns may be considered, all in all I would just like something cute for when I take him to the park." Even with that I don't see how you would need a whole entire book, maybe just a blunt force impact to the skull. Really though, the book is so long it almost makes me want to read it, because it makes me wonder if I am missing out on something cool google can do that I am not aware of. Probably not though.

Sex For Dummies

This 432 Page guide highlights the very thing that continues human existence. It was written for everyone who never bothered to pay attention to their pesky human nature their entire lives or someone who has never seen an R rated movie. I can imagine someone in their mid to late 30's, one day just sitting there and thinking to themselves, "What is this sex I keep hearing about, I would like to know more...I wonder if they make a sex for dummies book." God save the human race.

AD/HD For Dummies

The geniuses here wrote a 356 page guide to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder while totally failing to see the irony in that.

Teaching Kids to Read For Dummies

Because that is exactly who I want to teach my kids to read.

Overcoming Dislexia for Dummies

I can only imagine how that book works.

Being Vegetarian For Dummies

Having not read the book I am just going to be taking a shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing it involves not eating meat.

Rekindling Romance For Dummies

My guess is, if you need the book, it's probably safe to say it's over.

Nanotechnology For Dummies

I don't see how those two mesh well. Some things are better left to smart people. The same applies to "Trigonometry for Dummies" "Physics for Dummies" and "Organic Chemistry for Dummies"

Logic For Dummies

How illogical.

BitTorrent For Dummies

How to break copyright laws for Music and Movies with a few clicks of a mouse.

Windows 95 For Dummies

For those of us that missed the last 12 years of desktop computer innovation. Suprisingly you can still buy this book.

MySpace For Dummies

The first "For Dummies" book specifically geared towards sex predators.

GPS For Dummies

You type in your destination and await instructions.

Beekeeping for Dummies

My guess is you probably shouldn't be handling bees if you need this book.

Vampire: The Requiem For Dummies

I can't imagine a worse way to waste 20 dollars.

Running For Dummies

Are people really this dumb?