Thursday, December 28, 2006

A comprehensive guide to being punched in the face.

If you are reading this you have probably been recently punched in the face. You also probably have a lot of questions as to why and how to prevent this from happening again. Being punched in the face is generally not a random act and there was most likely motivation to force someone to do such an act. The following are the most likely scenarios.

1. You were drinking Starbucks and looking condecending at the same time, or maybe just drinking Starbucks.

This is a very common scenario, much more common than one might think. But you are thinking "But why Starbucks and not any other time I was drinking coffee i.e. from a gas station or home." Well this one is actually quite simple. The only real reason people drink Starbucks in public is to display some social stature as if to say "Hey, look at me, I am drinking a 5 dollar cup of coffee because I am not only cooler than you but also have better taste and more money". It's almost as if people really think that a cup of coffee makes them cool. Starbucks is the coffee equivilent of getting a second or third job so you can afford a BMW to show everyone how elite you are. (Implying you are dumb enough to think that a cup coffee is somehow out of the economic range of 99.9% of United States citizens, which you must be considering your recent blow to the face) You aren't cool, you aren't hip, you are stupid. The person who punched you is probably a model american and deserves to be written about in poems and history books for the rest of time.

2. You were/are wearing a Bluetooth headset at an inapporpriate time, and by inappropriate I mean at almost any given time.

Another very common scenario. Now let me first say that I see uses for wireless headsets for phones. Driving for example, considering you probably can't drive worth a damn I'm going to let you slide by wearing a wireless earpiece while you are driving, solely because I don't want to die in a car accident with you so our names are in the same paragraph in the newspaper. Another 'OK' time to wear an earpiece is maybe WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY USING YOUR PHONE. Oh I swear, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 people I've seen with Bluetooth headsets are not actually talking on the phone, they are just walking around with their ears flashing like damn androids. Please explain to me why it's cool to have a flashing piece of plastic in your ear? Do you really think other people are thinking "Oh check that guy out I bet he's a fuckin senator or a secret agent". No they are thinking "Dumb". Next time, save it for when you are going to actually use it, not to make a fashion statement and you might not be decked by an upright citizen.

3. You were overheard talking about MySpace in a public area.

Running on the same lines as noise pollution, this is an ever growing problem. I honestly can't wait for myspace not to be cool anymore so everyone can go back into isolation. Have you ever been in a public place and heard someone start a sentence with "I was on myspace and..."? Obviously an interesting story filled with adventure and tragedy is about to follow or something along the lines of "I was on myspace to see what other people were doing on myspace". You are probably thinking "Well, no, I go on to see what my friends have been up to." My answer...Obviously not much. Oh, but you got me, I have a myspace, that I rarely update, or do anything to. In fact I've never changed a color or added any kind of 'extras' that are somehow cool. Oh, and I never look at anyone elses because they are eye sores, and the fact that I don't care what's going on in your life, I have my own...I don't care your cat died, I don't care your boyfriend left you (probably for a very good reason), I don't care about the party you went to last night and how wasted you got, I don't want to look at pictures of you and your friends, I don't want to hear whatever crappy song you are into at the moment. Then God forbid you have to go and talk in person what someone did on their myspace, that should be the new definition for insanity. You are lucky all that happend to you was a simple blow in the face.

The fatal combo. (just imagine he is thinking about myspace.)