tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60933090217154159602024-03-05T16:38:29.256-05:00Aaron > YouUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-23836883436350034542007-08-05T18:50:00.000-04:002007-08-06T15:39:36.818-04:0010 Ridiculous Claims Made by NickelbackEvery now and again there comes a few musical artists that we all wish would just go away. Nickelback would be at the top of that list for me. For one thing the singer looks like this guy that used to hang out by my grade school in his van and try to give us candy. (This was before they started watching for that kind of stuff.)<br /><br /><p></p><br /><p>The singer is the guy with the hair, but I'm sure you could have guessed that.</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbiI7weH_xCNkc15no4VpHry4NIgknmEDIUwLW0ChpOxwqviTWnAdHhOnkDgsRKMjN0Q1GXk5BPklwc7RPcgdRYS1XG_Y9QOsnSbwzTT-QeD5gyojdjxzx5B4WjcuyD7LzSNIMs0UakfaW/s1600-h/nickelback-2005-pic-3.jpg.w560h559-746594.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5095354228183489122" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbiI7weH_xCNkc15no4VpHry4NIgknmEDIUwLW0ChpOxwqviTWnAdHhOnkDgsRKMjN0Q1GXk5BPklwc7RPcgdRYS1XG_Y9QOsnSbwzTT-QeD5gyojdjxzx5B4WjcuyD7LzSNIMs0UakfaW/s320/nickelback-2005-pic-3.jpg.w560h559-746594.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Besides that, there is one thing that gets to me even more about this band, their totally awful lyrics. I have compiled a list of 10 ridiculous lyrics from the worst band in the world.<br /><br /><br /><br />10. <strong>How You Remind Me</strong> - "I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle"<br /><br /><br /><br />I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here Mr. Chad Robert Turton-Kroeger (Thank you Wikipedia) that you are referring to drinking alcohol. But here you are claiming that you have drank every bottle of alcohol ever manufactured in the history of human civilization. We are talking about bottles of wine from the Middle Ages, we are talking about all the bottles of liquor I know that I've drank along my my friends. I know for certain you were not at any of our parties. Did you ever even consider the toll that would take on your liver? You have one hell of a make up artist because I'm pretty sure you should be yellow with jaundice.<br /><br /><br /><br />9. <strong>Fly - </strong>"Wings for her and I and I don't mind Cause I have always wanted to learn to...Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly..."<br /><br /><br /><br />Umm Chad, I'd really hate to break this to you...people can't fly. Yeah even with wings. I would assume you would already know that considering the overwhelming lack of people in the air. Anyways, Pink Floyd already has a song called "Learning to Fly" which rocks way more than your song, which I'm only guessing considering I've never actually heard yours.<br /><br /><br /><br />8. <strong>Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)</strong> - "It's getting late I haven't seen my date so tell me when the boys get here, It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock, Want to get a belly full of beer"<br /><br /><br />Nothing I could come up with was funnier than the lyrics themselves. Touche' Chad, Touche'.<br />(God, Yes I know Elton John wrote this song, it's only dumb when it comes out of Chad's mouth though)<br /><br />7. <strong>Animals -</strong> "You're beside me on the seat. Got your hand between my knees. And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze. It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear. But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears"<br /><br />I'm going to let you slide here on the part where you have everyone believing you could get a girl in a car without rohypnol (roofie). But in all honesty, this whole song is retarded. I couldn't pick which lyric to mock. Anyways, Chad, a car's acceleration is not controlled by how fast someone squeezes your body, it is controlled by the gas petal. On the same note, people don't have gears, we are not robots, except maybe your fans. Finally, why is it hard to steer when someone is breathing in your ear? Haven't you ever driven with your windows open? The wind is much stronger than someones breath.<br /><br />6. <strong>Feelin' Way Too Damn Good - <em>See the title</em></strong><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br />You can only be 'Feelin' Too Damn Good' or 'Feelin' Way Too Good'. Say it aloud for me 'Feelin' Way Too Damn Good'. That makes about as much grammatical sense as your current fame.<br /><br />5. <strong>If Everyone Cared - </strong>"If everyone cared and nobody cried. If everyone loved and nobody lied. If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, Then we'd see the day when nobody died"<br /><br />Guess what, if everyone cared and nobody cried...then people wouldn't know what hate and crying were. Idiot. The positive part of the spectrum of emotions would lose it's whole meaning. They wouldn't be positive emotions anymore, they would just be normal. Chad have you ever thought about what would happen if nobody died? Did you ever think that maybe there is a reason people die? Maybe because it makes people cherish their lives because of how short they are. If nobody died, then no one would appreciate their lives you moron. Not to mention the overpopulation the Earth would experience since you stopped the natural order of everything. Nice job.<br /><br />4. <strong>Rockstar - </strong>The whole theme behind the song<br /><br />The song doesn't make sense. It's a rock song about wanting to be a rock star? From a band that has sold like 20 million albums. Doesn't that make you a rock star? Thus rendering your entire song pointless.<br /><br />3. <strong>Rockstar -</strong> "And a big black jet with a bedroom in it, Gonna join the mile high club, At thirty-seven thousand feet (Been there, done that)"<br /><br />Yeah right.<br /><br />2. TIE <strong>Rockstar - </strong>"I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame, I'd even cut my hair and change my name"<br /><br />Why would you need to cut your hair to be a rock star? Wouldn't the exact opposite be true?<br /><br />2. TIE <strong>Rockstar - </strong>"Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial"<br /><br />Who still uses speed dial? Wouldn't his name just be in your cell phone?<br /><br />1. <strong>Rockstar - </strong>"'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars and live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars"<br /><br />Not everyone wants to be a rock star. Some people want to be doctors or astronauts. I, personally, want to be an Internet humorist. I appreciate you taking the time to make the decision of what I want to be for me. Also, I'll assume you didn't mean drive fifteen cars at once, considering the impossibility of that. But have you ever tried to get insurance quotes for 15 cars? Unless you are talking about the 15 cars you always have had in your front yard, it's probably going to really expensive. Actually I probably wouldn't expect someone like you to drive with insurance.<br /><strong></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-52089134491444010362007-07-12T18:58:00.000-04:002007-07-12T22:02:08.493-04:00The Trifecta of EvilThere is an evil among us...at least those of us that live near the Eastwood mall complex (The largest shopping complex in the United States). I'm sure most of you have been to at least one of these three atrocities. Starbucks, Cold Stone, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Chipotle</span>.I know you are thinking 'What could be so evil about these places <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">hahaha</span>'. I say to you, it's too late for you my friend, it's too late.<br />Let's break these places down for you shall we.<br /><br /><strong>Starbucks</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Everyone knows Starbucks, and I'm sure almost every has at one time had a beverage from there. I'm not saying they don't have good drinks, I'm just saying they are straight from hell. Think about what are you are buying from them...Bean flavored hot water...for 4 DOLLARS. Why does this make sense to some people. It costs them like 8 cents to make the drink...then they tack on 3.92 for the "Cool" factor. There I said it, people who drink Starbucks coffee think they are cool. Why else would you go there instead of going to McDonald's, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Dunkin</span>' Donuts, Gas station or for the love of God making it yourself. Seriously lame.<br /><br /><strong>Cold Stone</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />This little gem of a store sells ice cream for exorbitant prices. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">HAHAH</span> we sing songs to take your mind off of the fact you are spending what minimum wage workers make in an hour for a damn frozen dessert. It's really not that good, I've had it...once. Who the hell needs their ice cream hand mixed? Guess what, if you buy some from a grocery store it comes <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">pre</span>-mixed with whatever you want in it and for a A LOT cheaper and you can feed your entire block with it.<br /><br /><strong><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Chipotle</span></strong><br /><p>I think this place might bug me the most. The interior is God-Awful with it's industrial metallic look...stupid. Seriously, has this place ever heard of spices? or flavor for that matter, it is probably the most bland food I've ever had. </p><p>chiĀ·potĀ·<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">le</span> -<a class="pronlink" onmouseover="status='Click for pronunciation key';return true;" title="Click for pronunciation key" onclick="pk = window.open('/help/luna/IPA_pron_key.html', 'PronunciationKey','height=700,width=560,left=0,top=0,resizable,scrollbars');if(pk){pk.focus();}" onmouseout="status='';return true;">Pronunciation Key</a> -<a class="pronlink" onmouseover="status='Click to toggle pronunciation';return true;" title="Click to show spelled pronunciation" onclick="javascript:show_sp()" onmouseout="status='';return true;">Spelled Pronunciation</a>[chi-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">poht</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ley</span>; Sp. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">chee</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">pawt</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">le</span>]<br />a pungent red pepper, often pickled and eaten as an appetizer or added to meat stews, sauces, etc. </p><p>Weird they don't seem to be using any of those in their cooking. And why in the world do they wrap everything in aluminum foil...get the fuck out of here. They pride themselves on it because it's environmentally friendly because you can recycle it. Give me a Styrofoam dish like I want, save the environment on your own time, not on mine. </p><p><strong>Closing Argument </strong></p><p>If you or anyone you know goes to these places regularly let them know that if they have/are/planning to major in a business related field i.e. marketing, purchasing, accounting they might as well quit now. You just failed your Intro to Business class...ALL businesses frown on irresponsible spending and management of money, no company will ever hire you if they know you would rather pay 4 dollars for a cup of coffee than pay 79 cents at Speedway. Have fun working for the next Enron or MCI <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Worldcom</span>. Idiots.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>Note</em>: I realize there is a 4<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Th</span> store in that shopping area...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">CiCi's</span> Pizza. Since <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">CiCi's</span> is delicious and very cheap (Under 5 for all you can eat buffet) I chose to leave them out of this, they are the light in that dark evil area. Besides I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">wouldn't</span> have been able to say <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Trifecta</span> if I included them.</p><p><strong></p></strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-39765646187363763942007-04-27T10:44:00.000-04:002007-04-27T10:57:10.574-04:00Corporate Creativity at it's BestThe Blackberry mascot is...get this...a giant walking...Blackberry. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one? Seriously, how long could that have taken to come up with.<br /><br />"Hey guys I've got it...hear me out...let's take the Blackberry handsets we sell and add arms and legs, but on a much larger scale, maybe even a person in a costume." <br /><br />"That's the best idea I've heard all week! Pack your things my friend you are moving to the corner office, I want to hear what other brilliant ideas you have."<br /><br />FREE SLIGHTLY MORE CREATIVE IDEA: How about a giant walking Blackberry, as in the fruit. I know it's a stretch, but I think some people could make the connection.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOI8ESQMFz7UG9_ZbLpENnRevxBwZE6OF0qUlo19kMDUB5Wd2XzzBiXyMXxUxBJPg_fiqsssXJU6lpuFF_sWMvm7dB-Szcfb2uuRQCx_3_j8Syghsk7mk5gizi8X9KkipAuPR76leo1aEM/s1600-h/l_70cec2854ea5bc42b06bb54ff8a69ae1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOI8ESQMFz7UG9_ZbLpENnRevxBwZE6OF0qUlo19kMDUB5Wd2XzzBiXyMXxUxBJPg_fiqsssXJU6lpuFF_sWMvm7dB-Szcfb2uuRQCx_3_j8Syghsk7mk5gizi8X9KkipAuPR76leo1aEM/s320/l_70cec2854ea5bc42b06bb54ff8a69ae1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058122015355392466" /></a><br />That. is. stupid.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-84598399728300253342007-04-24T11:37:00.000-04:002007-04-24T12:05:39.454-04:00Google is SkynetFor those of you who are immune to Terminator movie references let me rephrase. Google is taking over the world. They have conquered the internet, and are moving into television, radio and print as we speak. Adding their advertising system to any form of media out there. I took the liberty here to point out some ideas of where they can venture next. These ideas are meant to be a humorous slant on Google's seemingly endless ideas for diversity in their business model, however, if anyone at Google is reading this, and thinks one of these ideas is good, they are for sale.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Google Hospital</strong><br />This service would include a hospital or chain of hospitals offering state-of-the-art health care at no cost to the patient whatsoever. The cost would be ofset by advertising in every way imaginable. The waiting room, patient rooms, even the operating room while you are under sedation. Think about it, you go in the hospital for a colonoscopy, and during your visit you are swarmed with ads personalized for you, such as anal creams and special padded seats, and other items pertaining to your illness. You get free health care and great insight into things you were going to need to buy anyway.<br /><br /><strong>Google Air</strong><br /><br />A free international airline supported by Google AdWords. You pick your destination, and fly there for free. During the flight you are advertised to with various ads pertaining to you personally, probably pertaining to your destination. It would give you the products and services of the location you are heading to. For example: Hotels, Restaurants, Movies, Entertainment, Prostitution. Sounds like it can't miss.<br /><br /><strong>Google University</strong><br /><br />Tapping into the 18-25 demographic, Google U brings college eduction to anyone willing and again, for free. The catch is all the text books have adwords as well as every classroom. So while your professor lectures, Adwords will be on display behind him. The ads would mostly consist of things college aged kids buy i.e. Beer, condoms, ramen noodles and beer.<br /><br /><strong>Google Brain</strong><br /><br />For you knowledge seekers out there, Google Brain offers all the knowledge in the world accessible through a chip implanted in the brain. For example: You want to know everything about pickles, you just think of pickles and through the power of the future internet and collaboration with WikiPedia you instantly have that knowledge. Sounds great right? Well, again it's free, but the chip's AdWords can tell you exactly what to buy and you basically listen because it's part of your brain. It gets kind of complicated after that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-11731054514265590862007-04-13T08:23:00.000-04:002007-04-13T10:20:07.793-04:00The Dumbest Person AliveOk, so I never really write blogs of personal events, but something happened recently that I just had to make fun of. The names are being withheld from the story to protect the idiots.<br /><br /><br />Ok, here is the background. My friend goes to Iraq for like 9 months and basically towards the end his girlfriend breaks up with him for another guy, while he's still over there. This could just end here and be another sad war story, and life goes on. But, what I didn't mention is my friend is in the Special Forces AKA he's a Green Beret. Oh and just to clear it up, the guy she left him for isn't. Now just think about the guy she left him for, that was a very poor decision of his part. No forsight whatsoever.I can only imagine how the dialouge of that conversation went.<br /><br /><br /><br /><em>directly after first kiss or first whatever</em><br /><br /><em></em><br /><br />Girl: Hey, I gotta tell you something<br /><br />Boy: Ok...what is it?<br /><br />Girl: I have a boyfriend.<br /><br />Boy: Oh, wow...where is he at I've never seen him?<br /><br />Girl: He's in Iraq...he's in the Army<br /><br />Boy: Oh. (growing more concerned)....what's he do in the army?<br /><br />Girl: He's a Green Beret<br /><br />Boy: .......<br /><br /><br /><br />Still, this was not enough to send him running for the hills. My question to this guy is; Haven't you ever seen Rambo? If I learned anything during my childhood it was Rambo is a Green Beret, therefore I should never ever mess with Rambo or any other Green Beret for that matter. He killed an entire Vietnamese Army along with a Soviet Military unit in First Blood Part II without getting shot, and with a gun, knife and a bow and arrow. Yet this guy thinks it's 'OK' to steal away a girlfriend of one of them. Not only could he spliter cell across your ceiling in the darkness of the night, and quietly kill you in your sleep and escape without anyone knowing or any evidence being left. He could just flat out kick your ass. I don't care if the girl is a supermodel millionaire, I would be out so fast. I thought maybe this guy is just ballsier than me, turns out he just may be the dumbest person alive. Let me leave you with this quote from the great Colonel Trautman<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />"You don't seem to want to accept the fact that you're dealing with an expert in guerilla warfare. With a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, to ignore weather, to live off the land. To eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill, period! Win by attrition. Well, Rambo was the best! "<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQvt9PP8AVjZ8nHBPU43o_BCu-86kwz1q4m8tIUZoqmuY5Qf4G69hF9Q51b_Ei-ux7mn7L6kmqQetDit94IFE7SeUYZMpR07lZS9tmmRg9QltSzq8b1woTTAWp5vqh9_4V3PLtUz_N47OV/s1600-h/inside-rambo.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5052915467242151122" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQvt9PP8AVjZ8nHBPU43o_BCu-86kwz1q4m8tIUZoqmuY5Qf4G69hF9Q51b_Ei-ux7mn7L6kmqQetDit94IFE7SeUYZMpR07lZS9tmmRg9QltSzq8b1woTTAWp5vqh9_4V3PLtUz_N47OV/s320/inside-rambo.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />I can't remember if this picture is my friend or Rambo, but regardless why would you want confrontation with that?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-55537378221126086192007-03-06T08:59:00.000-05:002007-03-06T09:38:19.900-05:00Cool, Green, Minty, and SeductiveAhh March, the one month a year that it is not only socially acceptable to start drinking early in the morning, it is encouraged. But thats not what makes this month great to me, oh no, not even close. What makes this month great to me is way more sensual and forbidden. Something that sends your tastebuds into orgasmic flurry. I'm talking about Shamrock Shakes from McDonald's.<br /><br />I find myself building up antiscipation around the beginning of February for the milky green icon. Then as soon as they become available I jump at the opportunity. While waiting for the milkshake to come, I can't help but think to myself, "maybe it's not as good as I remember...maybe it's just the year long wait that made me think I couldn't wait for one". Oh man was I wrong..I watched the McDonald's girl pour the emerarld green confection that has brought joy to my life so many times before. I could not wait to tap into the well of Irish goodness that awaited me. As the cool triple think goodness that you come to expect from McDonald's hits your lips, you start to taste the ever-so-mild mintiness you were craving all year long. I could have died right then and there at the first taste, but God, being the great God that he is allowed me to enjoy the entire large malkshake without any interruptions.<br /><br />What amazes me the most about this month are the amount of people who have never tried one, I can not imagine going through my life having not experienced the magic. My life milestones are as follows: 1. The birth of my son. 2. My near-future wedding. 3. First Shamrock Shake; in that order. What also amazed me was in my research I found that MOST of the U.S. does not have S.S.'s, not even in March. They are only brought out to very selective markets, and by the grace of God I live in one of them!<br /><br />Ahh March, as always will come to an end. What I wouldn't give to enjoy minty flavored frozen sex in a cup all year long. But, wouldn't that take away from the mystique of the Shamrock Shake that I hold so dear to me? Alas, I do believe so. Until next year I shall hold you near me in my dreams as I run through patches of clovers in Ireland as I sip away at your sweet nectar of mint and marvel at your greatness.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-67822254921825840612007-02-26T12:19:00.000-05:002007-02-26T15:36:01.001-05:00...For Dummies Books for DummiesI'm sure everyone has seen a ".......For Dummies" book in their lives. Have you ever seen some and wondered, "Why would you need an entire book for that." Now, I'll be honest, I've never opened one of these books up in my life. Namely, because I don't want a store clerk at Border's to think I am dumb or need a certain subject explained to me in layman's terms, which I don't. Let's examine some specific titles shall we:<br /><br /><br /><strong>Google For Dummies</strong><br /><br />Ok, I can't possibly imagine why you would need an entire book for this. Seriously, I kid you not, it is 360 Pages. How can you possibly need 360 pages to explain how to type something into a search engine. Then again, I've seen so many people type long run-on sentences into Google pretty much explaining what they are searching for. Example: "I am looking for shirts for my dog, (He is a Golden Retriever) preferably red ones but not green, fun patterns may be considered, all in all I would just like something cute for when I take him to the park." Even with that I don't see how you would need a whole entire book, maybe just a blunt force impact to the skull. Really though, the book is so long it almost makes me want to read it, because it makes me wonder if I am missing out on something cool google can do that I am not aware of. Probably not though.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Sex For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />This 432 Page guide highlights the very thing that continues human existence. It was written for everyone who never bothered to pay attention to their pesky human nature their entire lives or someone who has never seen an R rated movie. I can imagine someone in their mid to late 30's, one day just sitting there and thinking to themselves, "What is this sex I keep hearing about, I would like to know more...I wonder if they make a sex for dummies book." God save the human race.<br /><br /><strong>AD/HD For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />The geniuses here wrote a 356 page guide to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder while totally failing to see the irony in that.<br /><br /><strong>Teaching Kids to Read For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Because that is exactly who I want to teach my kids to read.<br /><br /><strong>Overcoming Dislexia for Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />I can only imagine how that book works.<br /><br /><strong>Being Vegetarian For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Having not read the book I am just going to be taking a shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing it involves not eating meat.<br /><br /><strong>Rekindling Romance For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />My guess is, if you need the book, it's probably safe to say it's over.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Nanotechnology For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />I don't see how those two mesh well. Some things are better left to smart people. The same applies to "Trigonometry for Dummies" "Physics for Dummies" and "Organic Chemistry for Dummies"<br /><br /><strong>Logic For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />How illogical.<br /><br /><strong>BitTorrent For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />How to break copyright laws for Music and Movies with a few clicks of a mouse.<br /><br /><strong>Windows 95 For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />For those of us that missed the last 12 years of desktop computer innovation. Suprisingly you can still buy this book.<br /><br /><br /><strong>MySpace For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />The first "For Dummies" book specifically geared towards sex predators.<br /><br /><strong>GPS For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />You type in your destination and await instructions.<br /><br /><strong>Beekeeping for Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />My guess is you probably shouldn't be handling bees if you need this book.<br /><br /><strong>Vampire: The Requiem For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />I can't imagine a worse way to waste 20 dollars.<br /><br /><strong>Running For Dummies</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />Are people really this dumb?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-67245644478346551672007-02-16T14:40:00.000-05:002007-02-16T19:13:45.896-05:00What Not to WatchTelevision for me is a Love/Hate relationship. While I revel in the awesomeness of some shows like The Office and 24, I am also sickend by some shows on TV, most of which shouldn't be allowed to be shows. Take for instance the following:<br /><br /><strong>The Real World and basically everything else on MTV.</strong><br /><br />I can't think of anything I'd rather not do than watch the Real World. Granted I never ever watch MTV, but I unintentionally catch clips here and there from seeing what other people watch. What are they on now, like Real World 342. I mean seriously, give it a rest. I seriously don't know why anyone would be interested in watching a group of people stay in the same house. I was asked recently if I would sacrifice my hand if Real World would never be on TV again. I answered yes, not because of how bad I wish the show would go away, but because I would want everyone know I was the one responsible for the show's end. While we are on the MTV topic, they have other shows that seriously upset me more, but they haven't been around for as long as Real World to warrant their own category. Laguna Beach, and every stupid spin-off show and show with the same premise like that one in Malibu that I merely saw the 'cast' and wanted to rip out my aorta. I would seriously rather be tortured day in and day out for the rest of my life in a Vietnamese prison cap than watch people just hang out. Thats all that happens on these shows, it just shows young people hanging out, theres no plot, no story, no anything, just talking. How could anyone care that much about what is going on in someone else's life. It makes me vomit that the people on the shows actually think people give a shit about who they are dating. Gay.<br /><br /><strong>What Not to Wear</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />This show might have a slightly smaller audience but just the same social impact as the latter. Hey I've got a great idea for a show, let's have people send in their friends to a show where a gay guy and a stupid bitch go through your closet and ridicule you for not wearing 500 dollar shoes to go to the grocery store. The plus side is you get 5000 dollars to spend on a new wardrobe, but you have to put up with the smart ass quips from the two egotisical hosts. Seriously, who the hell is 'so sick' of how a friend or co-worker dresses that they think they have the right to send in their pictures and nominate them for a show. Maybe they have better things to worry about than how they fucking dress, maybe they aren't superficial pricks like you. I swear, if anyone nominates me, (not that they could, because chances are I dress better than them) I'd seriously consider killing you.<br /><br /><br /><strong>$40-a-Day</strong><br /><strong></strong><br />I mean, ok, I love to eat, I won't lie. But this show is nauseating. Rachael Ray is stupid. She always says something semi-ignorant to the staff at the places she goes. She always over-exaggerates what she eats. Have you ever seen her have a bad meal? It would be worthwhile if she said "OMG this place blows" but no, she loves every bite of everything. Oh, and where did she learn how to tip? Have you ever seen her tips?! If I was her server I'd tell her right to her face on camera that she is a cheap bitch. Who the hell tips like $1.17. It's a tv show for crying out loud. Who the hell eats out 4 times a day (including dessert) except Rachael Ray? What is this show proving except that if you happen to be out of your home in one of the cities she visits you could go to all the places she went and have similar meals and still be under 40 dollars for the day. That might be the most irrelevant information she could be giving. I've got an idea for a show, it's called $9-a-Day, basically it consits of me going to McDonald's multiple times a day and buying off the dollar menu, which as dumb as that sounds is far more realistic than walking the streets of some obscure city all day and penny pinching at gourmet restaurants. I hope you always eat alone. Stupid.<br /><br /><br /><br />Ok, I'm getting sick of thinking about all this bad television.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-5800820308331341222007-02-02T12:54:00.000-05:002007-02-02T13:26:22.082-05:00Crash Course in ScientologyOk, I'm sure everyone has heard things about Tom Cruise and scientology that have made you think "WHAT THE HELL". For any normal person those things should be enough to twart you from converting. But, my God, you haven't even scratched the surface. If you think the beliefs of other religions like Islam, Hinduism, or Anything are weird then you'll love this. There are a lot of weird things about this 'religion' like the E-meter they use to measure the state of your spirit and blah blah blah; whatever. Let's just examine the basic doctrine that they believe. (I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP IN ANY WAY AND THIS AND YOU CAN CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF). Ok, here we go. 75 Million years ago the ruler of the 'Galactic Confederacy' by the name Xenu captured and froze billions of aliens and brought them to Earth in a spacecraft the resembles Douglas DC-8 airliners(consequently they aren't allowed to fly in these planes because of their resemblence). He stacked the aliens up around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls clustered together and attached themselves to the living. They continue to do this today and they are the cause of physical and mental illness. You can't make that stuff up, or well maybe you can. Some people in the auditing sessions that are mandatory have conjured up memories like memories of being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian Bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic Walrus that perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". Perfectly logical right? You know what's really funny...I didn't even need to make fun of the people who believe this, they have already suceeded to a point where I could never venture. I hope you have been convinced to continue to make fun of scientologists until they go away or Tom Cruise dies, whichever happens first. But more realistically someone will probably read this and be converted, and I hope so.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-4351867562728254032007-01-03T14:49:00.000-05:002007-01-03T15:23:49.272-05:00My Cosmetic SurgeryAs someone who is openly against cosmetic surgery for many reasons, there is one surgery that I doubt has been performed but if I had the money I would elect to have. That procedure is Extraocular Muscle Optimization. It's a very complex procedure but let me break it down for you. Basically, it adds much needed mobility to the eye muscles, i.e. being able to roll your eyes much more exaggerated. I find myself on a day in and day out basis feeling painful strain on my extraocular muscles. Pain because I try to roll my eyes further back than they were made to go; countless times a day. Now I believe everyone was made perfect, or the way God inteneded, but this was one thing that seems to have been overlooked regarding myself. I really can't complain about much else in my case except this one minor detail. I want to be able to roll my eyes more efficiently and further back than anyone else in the history of mankind and be able to do it with little to know pain at the end of the day. Is that asking much? Naturally I don't think so. Everytime someone does something stupid or something I disagree with I will be able to show them complete disapproval by giving them the eye rolls of eye rolls. Imaginge the ramifications of such a surgery, someone does something stupid, you make them feel infinitely worse with your dramatic eye rolls and they cease to do something like that ever again. Sounds like a win-win to me. Frankly, I don't see how no one else has ever though of this. I mean, I know I'm a genius but this is truly groundbreaking. Now all I have to do is fund this project and let the hilarity ensue.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6093309021715415960.post-32195234791848002006-12-28T10:19:00.000-05:002006-12-28T15:47:40.380-05:00A comprehensive guide to being punched in the face.If you are reading this you have probably been recently punched in the face. You also probably have a lot of questions as to why and how to prevent this from happening again. Being punched in the face is generally not a random act and there was most likely motivation to force someone to do such an act. The following are the most likely scenarios.<br /><br /><br /><br />1. You were drinking Starbucks and looking condecending at the same time, or maybe just drinking Starbucks.<br /><br /><br /><br />This is a very common scenario, much more common than one might think. But you are thinking "But why Starbucks and not any other time I was drinking coffee i.e. from a gas station or home." Well this one is actually quite simple. The only real reason people drink Starbucks in public is to display some social stature as if to say "Hey, look at me, I am drinking a 5 dollar cup of coffee because I am not only cooler than you but also have better taste and more money". It's almost as if people really think that a cup of coffee makes them cool. Starbucks is the coffee equivilent of getting a second or third job so you can afford a BMW to show everyone how elite you are. (Implying you are dumb enough to think that a cup coffee is somehow out of the economic range of 99.9% of United States citizens, which you must be considering your recent blow to the face) You aren't cool, you aren't hip, you are stupid. The person who punched you is probably a model american and deserves to be written about in poems and history books for the rest of time.<br /><br /><br /><br />2. You were/are wearing a Bluetooth headset at an inapporpriate time, and by inappropriate I mean at almost any given time.<br /><br /><br /><br />Another very common scenario. Now let me first say that I see uses for wireless headsets for phones. Driving for example, considering you probably can't drive worth a damn I'm going to let you slide by wearing a wireless earpiece while you are driving, solely because I don't want to die in a car accident with you so our names are in the same paragraph in the newspaper. Another 'OK' time to wear an earpiece is maybe WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY USING YOUR PHONE. Oh I swear, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 people I've seen with Bluetooth headsets are not actually talking on the phone, they are just walking around with their ears flashing like damn androids. Please explain to me why it's cool to have a flashing piece of plastic in your ear? Do you really think other people are thinking "Oh check that guy out I bet he's a fuckin senator or a secret agent". No they are thinking "Dumb". Next time, save it for when you are going to actually use it, not to make a fashion statement and you might not be decked by an upright citizen.<br /><br /><br /><br />3. You were overheard talking about MySpace in a public area.<br /><br /><br /><br />Running on the same lines as noise pollution, this is an ever growing problem. I honestly can't wait for myspace not to be cool anymore so everyone can go back into isolation. Have you ever been in a public place and heard someone start a sentence with "I was on myspace and..."? Obviously an interesting story filled with adventure and tragedy is about to follow or something along the lines of "I was on myspace to see what other people were doing on myspace". You are probably thinking "Well, no, I go on to see what my friends have been up to." My answer...Obviously not much. Oh, but you got me, I have a myspace, that I rarely update, or do anything to. In fact I've never changed a color or added any kind of 'extras' that are somehow cool. Oh, and I never look at anyone elses because they are eye sores, and the fact that I don't care what's going on in your life, I have my own...I don't care your cat died, I don't care your boyfriend left you (probably for a very good reason), I don't care about the party you went to last night and how wasted you got, I don't want to look at pictures of you and your friends, I don't want to hear whatever crappy song you are into at the moment. Then God forbid you have to go and talk in person what someone did on their myspace, that should be the new definition for insanity. You are lucky all that happend to you was a simple blow in the face.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The fatal combo. (just imagine he is thinking about myspace.)<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-vWVs2bojUJ-pIqWDO2VlXbapBoz5nRYGtBVLvLJfxhBdm2oFumX9psM647w9Ym5qm4ESaGiPg-bApbUP-5hU9UEmyDyDuhsGYdPDBLJgESHEHH8bTfOV75CVkmaR9OSNCykUhnMJyhUS/s1600-h/starbucks_bluetooth.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5013621234920192562" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-vWVs2bojUJ-pIqWDO2VlXbapBoz5nRYGtBVLvLJfxhBdm2oFumX9psM647w9Ym5qm4ESaGiPg-bApbUP-5hU9UEmyDyDuhsGYdPDBLJgESHEHH8bTfOV75CVkmaR9OSNCykUhnMJyhUS/s320/starbucks_bluetooth.jpg" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1