Monday, February 26, 2007

...For Dummies Books for Dummies

I'm sure everyone has seen a ".......For Dummies" book in their lives. Have you ever seen some and wondered, "Why would you need an entire book for that." Now, I'll be honest, I've never opened one of these books up in my life. Namely, because I don't want a store clerk at Border's to think I am dumb or need a certain subject explained to me in layman's terms, which I don't. Let's examine some specific titles shall we:

Google For Dummies

Ok, I can't possibly imagine why you would need an entire book for this. Seriously, I kid you not, it is 360 Pages. How can you possibly need 360 pages to explain how to type something into a search engine. Then again, I've seen so many people type long run-on sentences into Google pretty much explaining what they are searching for. Example: "I am looking for shirts for my dog, (He is a Golden Retriever) preferably red ones but not green, fun patterns may be considered, all in all I would just like something cute for when I take him to the park." Even with that I don't see how you would need a whole entire book, maybe just a blunt force impact to the skull. Really though, the book is so long it almost makes me want to read it, because it makes me wonder if I am missing out on something cool google can do that I am not aware of. Probably not though.

Sex For Dummies

This 432 Page guide highlights the very thing that continues human existence. It was written for everyone who never bothered to pay attention to their pesky human nature their entire lives or someone who has never seen an R rated movie. I can imagine someone in their mid to late 30's, one day just sitting there and thinking to themselves, "What is this sex I keep hearing about, I would like to know more...I wonder if they make a sex for dummies book." God save the human race.

AD/HD For Dummies

The geniuses here wrote a 356 page guide to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder while totally failing to see the irony in that.

Teaching Kids to Read For Dummies

Because that is exactly who I want to teach my kids to read.

Overcoming Dislexia for Dummies

I can only imagine how that book works.

Being Vegetarian For Dummies

Having not read the book I am just going to be taking a shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing it involves not eating meat.

Rekindling Romance For Dummies

My guess is, if you need the book, it's probably safe to say it's over.

Nanotechnology For Dummies

I don't see how those two mesh well. Some things are better left to smart people. The same applies to "Trigonometry for Dummies" "Physics for Dummies" and "Organic Chemistry for Dummies"

Logic For Dummies

How illogical.

BitTorrent For Dummies

How to break copyright laws for Music and Movies with a few clicks of a mouse.

Windows 95 For Dummies

For those of us that missed the last 12 years of desktop computer innovation. Suprisingly you can still buy this book.

MySpace For Dummies

The first "For Dummies" book specifically geared towards sex predators.

GPS For Dummies

You type in your destination and await instructions.

Beekeeping for Dummies

My guess is you probably shouldn't be handling bees if you need this book.

Vampire: The Requiem For Dummies

I can't imagine a worse way to waste 20 dollars.

Running For Dummies

Are people really this dumb?

Friday, February 16, 2007

What Not to Watch

Television for me is a Love/Hate relationship. While I revel in the awesomeness of some shows like The Office and 24, I am also sickend by some shows on TV, most of which shouldn't be allowed to be shows. Take for instance the following:

The Real World and basically everything else on MTV.

I can't think of anything I'd rather not do than watch the Real World. Granted I never ever watch MTV, but I unintentionally catch clips here and there from seeing what other people watch. What are they on now, like Real World 342. I mean seriously, give it a rest. I seriously don't know why anyone would be interested in watching a group of people stay in the same house. I was asked recently if I would sacrifice my hand if Real World would never be on TV again. I answered yes, not because of how bad I wish the show would go away, but because I would want everyone know I was the one responsible for the show's end. While we are on the MTV topic, they have other shows that seriously upset me more, but they haven't been around for as long as Real World to warrant their own category. Laguna Beach, and every stupid spin-off show and show with the same premise like that one in Malibu that I merely saw the 'cast' and wanted to rip out my aorta. I would seriously rather be tortured day in and day out for the rest of my life in a Vietnamese prison cap than watch people just hang out. Thats all that happens on these shows, it just shows young people hanging out, theres no plot, no story, no anything, just talking. How could anyone care that much about what is going on in someone else's life. It makes me vomit that the people on the shows actually think people give a shit about who they are dating. Gay.

What Not to Wear

This show might have a slightly smaller audience but just the same social impact as the latter. Hey I've got a great idea for a show, let's have people send in their friends to a show where a gay guy and a stupid bitch go through your closet and ridicule you for not wearing 500 dollar shoes to go to the grocery store. The plus side is you get 5000 dollars to spend on a new wardrobe, but you have to put up with the smart ass quips from the two egotisical hosts. Seriously, who the hell is 'so sick' of how a friend or co-worker dresses that they think they have the right to send in their pictures and nominate them for a show. Maybe they have better things to worry about than how they fucking dress, maybe they aren't superficial pricks like you. I swear, if anyone nominates me, (not that they could, because chances are I dress better than them) I'd seriously consider killing you.


I mean, ok, I love to eat, I won't lie. But this show is nauseating. Rachael Ray is stupid. She always says something semi-ignorant to the staff at the places she goes. She always over-exaggerates what she eats. Have you ever seen her have a bad meal? It would be worthwhile if she said "OMG this place blows" but no, she loves every bite of everything. Oh, and where did she learn how to tip? Have you ever seen her tips?! If I was her server I'd tell her right to her face on camera that she is a cheap bitch. Who the hell tips like $1.17. It's a tv show for crying out loud. Who the hell eats out 4 times a day (including dessert) except Rachael Ray? What is this show proving except that if you happen to be out of your home in one of the cities she visits you could go to all the places she went and have similar meals and still be under 40 dollars for the day. That might be the most irrelevant information she could be giving. I've got an idea for a show, it's called $9-a-Day, basically it consits of me going to McDonald's multiple times a day and buying off the dollar menu, which as dumb as that sounds is far more realistic than walking the streets of some obscure city all day and penny pinching at gourmet restaurants. I hope you always eat alone. Stupid.

Ok, I'm getting sick of thinking about all this bad television.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Crash Course in Scientology

Ok, I'm sure everyone has heard things about Tom Cruise and scientology that have made you think "WHAT THE HELL". For any normal person those things should be enough to twart you from converting. But, my God, you haven't even scratched the surface. If you think the beliefs of other religions like Islam, Hinduism, or Anything are weird then you'll love this. There are a lot of weird things about this 'religion' like the E-meter they use to measure the state of your spirit and blah blah blah; whatever. Let's just examine the basic doctrine that they believe. (I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP IN ANY WAY AND THIS AND YOU CAN CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF). Ok, here we go. 75 Million years ago the ruler of the 'Galactic Confederacy' by the name Xenu captured and froze billions of aliens and brought them to Earth in a spacecraft the resembles Douglas DC-8 airliners(consequently they aren't allowed to fly in these planes because of their resemblence). He stacked the aliens up around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls clustered together and attached themselves to the living. They continue to do this today and they are the cause of physical and mental illness. You can't make that stuff up, or well maybe you can. Some people in the auditing sessions that are mandatory have conjured up memories like memories of being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian Bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic Walrus that perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". Perfectly logical right? You know what's really funny...I didn't even need to make fun of the people who believe this, they have already suceeded to a point where I could never venture. I hope you have been convinced to continue to make fun of scientologists until they go away or Tom Cruise dies, whichever happens first. But more realistically someone will probably read this and be converted, and I hope so.