Friday, February 2, 2007

Crash Course in Scientology

Ok, I'm sure everyone has heard things about Tom Cruise and scientology that have made you think "WHAT THE HELL". For any normal person those things should be enough to twart you from converting. But, my God, you haven't even scratched the surface. If you think the beliefs of other religions like Islam, Hinduism, or Anything are weird then you'll love this. There are a lot of weird things about this 'religion' like the E-meter they use to measure the state of your spirit and blah blah blah; whatever. Let's just examine the basic doctrine that they believe. (I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP IN ANY WAY AND THIS AND YOU CAN CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF). Ok, here we go. 75 Million years ago the ruler of the 'Galactic Confederacy' by the name Xenu captured and froze billions of aliens and brought them to Earth in a spacecraft the resembles Douglas DC-8 airliners(consequently they aren't allowed to fly in these planes because of their resemblence). He stacked the aliens up around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls clustered together and attached themselves to the living. They continue to do this today and they are the cause of physical and mental illness. You can't make that stuff up, or well maybe you can. Some people in the auditing sessions that are mandatory have conjured up memories like memories of being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian Bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic Walrus that perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". Perfectly logical right? You know what's really funny...I didn't even need to make fun of the people who believe this, they have already suceeded to a point where I could never venture. I hope you have been convinced to continue to make fun of scientologists until they go away or Tom Cruise dies, whichever happens first. But more realistically someone will probably read this and be converted, and I hope so.

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