Sunday, August 5, 2007

10 Ridiculous Claims Made by Nickelback

Every now and again there comes a few musical artists that we all wish would just go away. Nickelback would be at the top of that list for me. For one thing the singer looks like this guy that used to hang out by my grade school in his van and try to give us candy. (This was before they started watching for that kind of stuff.)

The singer is the guy with the hair, but I'm sure you could have guessed that.

Besides that, there is one thing that gets to me even more about this band, their totally awful lyrics. I have compiled a list of 10 ridiculous lyrics from the worst band in the world.

10. How You Remind Me - "I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle"

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here Mr. Chad Robert Turton-Kroeger (Thank you Wikipedia) that you are referring to drinking alcohol. But here you are claiming that you have drank every bottle of alcohol ever manufactured in the history of human civilization. We are talking about bottles of wine from the Middle Ages, we are talking about all the bottles of liquor I know that I've drank along my my friends. I know for certain you were not at any of our parties. Did you ever even consider the toll that would take on your liver? You have one hell of a make up artist because I'm pretty sure you should be yellow with jaundice.

9. Fly - "Wings for her and I and I don't mind Cause I have always wanted to learn to...Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly... learn to Fly..."

Umm Chad, I'd really hate to break this to you...people can't fly. Yeah even with wings. I would assume you would already know that considering the overwhelming lack of people in the air. Anyways, Pink Floyd already has a song called "Learning to Fly" which rocks way more than your song, which I'm only guessing considering I've never actually heard yours.

8. Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting) - "It's getting late I haven't seen my date so tell me when the boys get here, It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock, Want to get a belly full of beer"

Nothing I could come up with was funnier than the lyrics themselves. Touche' Chad, Touche'.
(God, Yes I know Elton John wrote this song, it's only dumb when it comes out of Chad's mouth though)

7. Animals - "You're beside me on the seat. Got your hand between my knees. And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze. It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear. But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears"

I'm going to let you slide here on the part where you have everyone believing you could get a girl in a car without rohypnol (roofie). But in all honesty, this whole song is retarded. I couldn't pick which lyric to mock. Anyways, Chad, a car's acceleration is not controlled by how fast someone squeezes your body, it is controlled by the gas petal. On the same note, people don't have gears, we are not robots, except maybe your fans. Finally, why is it hard to steer when someone is breathing in your ear? Haven't you ever driven with your windows open? The wind is much stronger than someones breath.

6. Feelin' Way Too Damn Good - See the title

You can only be 'Feelin' Too Damn Good' or 'Feelin' Way Too Good'. Say it aloud for me 'Feelin' Way Too Damn Good'. That makes about as much grammatical sense as your current fame.

5. If Everyone Cared - "If everyone cared and nobody cried. If everyone loved and nobody lied. If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, Then we'd see the day when nobody died"

Guess what, if everyone cared and nobody cried...then people wouldn't know what hate and crying were. Idiot. The positive part of the spectrum of emotions would lose it's whole meaning. They wouldn't be positive emotions anymore, they would just be normal. Chad have you ever thought about what would happen if nobody died? Did you ever think that maybe there is a reason people die? Maybe because it makes people cherish their lives because of how short they are. If nobody died, then no one would appreciate their lives you moron. Not to mention the overpopulation the Earth would experience since you stopped the natural order of everything. Nice job.

4. Rockstar - The whole theme behind the song

The song doesn't make sense. It's a rock song about wanting to be a rock star? From a band that has sold like 20 million albums. Doesn't that make you a rock star? Thus rendering your entire song pointless.

3. Rockstar - "And a big black jet with a bedroom in it, Gonna join the mile high club, At thirty-seven thousand feet (Been there, done that)"

Yeah right.

2. TIE Rockstar - "I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame, I'd even cut my hair and change my name"

Why would you need to cut your hair to be a rock star? Wouldn't the exact opposite be true?

2. TIE Rockstar - "Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial"

Who still uses speed dial? Wouldn't his name just be in your cell phone?

1. Rockstar - "'Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars and live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars"

Not everyone wants to be a rock star. Some people want to be doctors or astronauts. I, personally, want to be an Internet humorist. I appreciate you taking the time to make the decision of what I want to be for me. Also, I'll assume you didn't mean drive fifteen cars at once, considering the impossibility of that. But have you ever tried to get insurance quotes for 15 cars? Unless you are talking about the 15 cars you always have had in your front yard, it's probably going to really expensive. Actually I probably wouldn't expect someone like you to drive with insurance.


Anonymous said...

Your top-ten list is a joke, right? "Claims?" They're just song lyrics, man. Ever heard of artistic license?...symbolism? Rock lyrics are often full of symbolism and there are a lot stranger lyrics by other bands than the ones you posted. To each his own, I guess.

Anonymous said...

i think you're right. I think the list may be a joke - that may even be the point of it...

Nickelback's lyrics have the symbolic depth of a particularly shallow teaspoon. It's not that their lyrics are mysterious and strange and require us to exercise our ability to understand poetic symbology, it's that they're really stupid, inane and laughably ridiculous.

No one has missed the 'symbology' of his gear meaning his penis, it's just that we're not particularly impressed and, instead, are openly contemptuous of their puerile idiocy. Man.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Good list personally I would have chose the lyrics from Rockstar that went

"I'll trade my autograph for free food (how bout a quesadilla)".....dumbest shit I ever heard

Nickelback will forever suck

Anonymous said...

Lil' Wayne has better lyrics than this band.

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Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you missed the stupidest lyrics of all...
(BTW, I like Nickelback but these lyrics are just stupid!)

"Yes I admit it and I'm pleading the fifth."

First of all Chad, you are from Canada and you don't have a 5th Amendment (from the Bill of Rights) like we do here in the USA.

Second of all, supplying an admission and pleading the 5th (refusing to give potentially self incriminating testamony, ie an admission of guilt, ie "admitting it") are complete opposites and you can't do both at the same time.