What Not to Watch

Television for me is a Love/Hate relationship. While I revel in the awesomeness of some shows like The Office and 24, I am also sickend by some shows on TV, most of which shouldn't be allowed to be shows. Take for instance the following:

The Real World and basically everything else on MTV.

I can't think of anything I'd rather not do than watch the Real World. Granted I never ever watch MTV, but I unintentionally catch clips here and there from seeing what other people watch. What are they on now, like Real World 342. I mean seriously, give it a rest. I seriously don't know why anyone would be interested in watching a group of people stay in the same house. I was asked recently if I would sacrifice my hand if Real World would never be on TV again. I answered yes, not because of how bad I wish the show would go away, but because I would want everyone know I was the one responsible for the show's end. While we are on the MTV topic, they have other shows that seriously upset me more, but they haven't been around for as long as Real World to warrant their own category. Laguna Beach, and every stupid spin-off show and show with the same premise like that one in Malibu that I merely saw the 'cast' and wanted to rip out my aorta. I would seriously rather be tortured day in and day out for the rest of my life in a Vietnamese prison cap than watch people just hang out. Thats all that happens on these shows, it just shows young people hanging out, theres no plot, no story, no anything, just talking. How could anyone care that much about what is going on in someone else's life. It makes me vomit that the people on the shows actually think people give a shit about who they are dating. Gay.

What Not to Wear

This show might have a slightly smaller audience but just the same social impact as the latter. Hey I've got a great idea for a show, let's have people send in their friends to a show where a gay guy and a stupid bitch go through your closet and ridicule you for not wearing 500 dollar shoes to go to the grocery store. The plus side is you get 5000 dollars to spend on a new wardrobe, but you have to put up with the smart ass quips from the two egotisical hosts. Seriously, who the hell is 'so sick' of how a friend or co-worker dresses that they think they have the right to send in their pictures and nominate them for a show. Maybe they have better things to worry about than how they fucking dress, maybe they aren't superficial pricks like you. I swear, if anyone nominates me, (not that they could, because chances are I dress better than them) I'd seriously consider killing you.


$40-a-Day

I mean, ok, I love to eat, I won't lie. But this show is nauseating. Rachael Ray is stupid. She always says something semi-ignorant to the staff at the places she goes. She always over-exaggerates what she eats. Have you ever seen her have a bad meal? It would be worthwhile if she said "OMG this place blows" but no, she loves every bite of everything. Oh, and where did she learn how to tip? Have you ever seen her tips?! If I was her server I'd tell her right to her face on camera that she is a cheap bitch. Who the hell tips like $1.17. It's a tv show for crying out loud. Who the hell eats out 4 times a day (including dessert) except Rachael Ray? What is this show proving except that if you happen to be out of your home in one of the cities she visits you could go to all the places she went and have similar meals and still be under 40 dollars for the day. That might be the most irrelevant information she could be giving. I've got an idea for a show, it's called $9-a-Day, basically it consits of me going to McDonald's multiple times a day and buying off the dollar menu, which as dumb as that sounds is far more realistic than walking the streets of some obscure city all day and penny pinching at gourmet restaurants. I hope you always eat alone. Stupid.



Ok, I'm getting sick of thinking about all this bad television.

Crash Course in Scientology

Ok, I'm sure everyone has heard things about Tom Cruise and scientology that have made you think "WHAT THE HELL". For any normal person those things should be enough to twart you from converting. But, my God, you haven't even scratched the surface. If you think the beliefs of other religions like Islam, Hinduism, or Anything are weird then you'll love this. There are a lot of weird things about this 'religion' like the E-meter they use to measure the state of your spirit and blah blah blah; whatever. Let's just examine the basic doctrine that they believe. (I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP IN ANY WAY AND THIS AND YOU CAN CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF). Ok, here we go. 75 Million years ago the ruler of the 'Galactic Confederacy' by the name Xenu captured and froze billions of aliens and brought them to Earth in a spacecraft the resembles Douglas DC-8 airliners(consequently they aren't allowed to fly in these planes because of their resemblence). He stacked the aliens up around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls clustered together and attached themselves to the living. They continue to do this today and they are the cause of physical and mental illness. You can't make that stuff up, or well maybe you can. Some people in the auditing sessions that are mandatory have conjured up memories like memories of being "deceived into a love affair with a robot decked out as a beautiful red-haired girl", being run over by a Martian Bishop driving a steamroller, being transformed into an intergalactic Walrus that perished after falling out of a flying saucer, and being "a very happy being who strayed to the planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 years ago". Perfectly logical right? You know what's really funny...I didn't even need to make fun of the people who believe this, they have already suceeded to a point where I could never venture. I hope you have been convinced to continue to make fun of scientologists until they go away or Tom Cruise dies, whichever happens first. But more realistically someone will probably read this and be converted, and I hope so.

My Cosmetic Surgery

As someone who is openly against cosmetic surgery for many reasons, there is one surgery that I doubt has been performed but if I had the money I would elect to have. That procedure is Extraocular Muscle Optimization. It's a very complex procedure but let me break it down for you. Basically, it adds much needed mobility to the eye muscles, i.e. being able to roll your eyes much more exaggerated. I find myself on a day in and day out basis feeling painful strain on my extraocular muscles. Pain because I try to roll my eyes further back than they were made to go; countless times a day. Now I believe everyone was made perfect, or the way God inteneded, but this was one thing that seems to have been overlooked regarding myself. I really can't complain about much else in my case except this one minor detail. I want to be able to roll my eyes more efficiently and further back than anyone else in the history of mankind and be able to do it with little to know pain at the end of the day. Is that asking much? Naturally I don't think so. Everytime someone does something stupid or something I disagree with I will be able to show them complete disapproval by giving them the eye rolls of eye rolls. Imaginge the ramifications of such a surgery, someone does something stupid, you make them feel infinitely worse with your dramatic eye rolls and they cease to do something like that ever again. Sounds like a win-win to me. Frankly, I don't see how no one else has ever though of this. I mean, I know I'm a genius but this is truly groundbreaking. Now all I have to do is fund this project and let the hilarity ensue.

A comprehensive guide to being punched in the face.

If you are reading this you have probably been recently punched in the face. You also probably have a lot of questions as to why and how to prevent this from happening again. Being punched in the face is generally not a random act and there was most likely motivation to force someone to do such an act. The following are the most likely scenarios.



1. You were drinking Starbucks and looking condecending at the same time, or maybe just drinking Starbucks.



This is a very common scenario, much more common than one might think. But you are thinking "But why Starbucks and not any other time I was drinking coffee i.e. from a gas station or home." Well this one is actually quite simple. The only real reason people drink Starbucks in public is to display some social stature as if to say "Hey, look at me, I am drinking a 5 dollar cup of coffee because I am not only cooler than you but also have better taste and more money". It's almost as if people really think that a cup of coffee makes them cool. Starbucks is the coffee equivilent of getting a second or third job so you can afford a BMW to show everyone how elite you are. (Implying you are dumb enough to think that a cup coffee is somehow out of the economic range of 99.9% of United States citizens, which you must be considering your recent blow to the face) You aren't cool, you aren't hip, you are stupid. The person who punched you is probably a model american and deserves to be written about in poems and history books for the rest of time.



2. You were/are wearing a Bluetooth headset at an inapporpriate time, and by inappropriate I mean at almost any given time.



Another very common scenario. Now let me first say that I see uses for wireless headsets for phones. Driving for example, considering you probably can't drive worth a damn I'm going to let you slide by wearing a wireless earpiece while you are driving, solely because I don't want to die in a car accident with you so our names are in the same paragraph in the newspaper. Another 'OK' time to wear an earpiece is maybe WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY USING YOUR PHONE. Oh I swear, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 people I've seen with Bluetooth headsets are not actually talking on the phone, they are just walking around with their ears flashing like damn androids. Please explain to me why it's cool to have a flashing piece of plastic in your ear? Do you really think other people are thinking "Oh check that guy out I bet he's a fuckin senator or a secret agent". No they are thinking "Dumb". Next time, save it for when you are going to actually use it, not to make a fashion statement and you might not be decked by an upright citizen.



3. You were overheard talking about MySpace in a public area.



Running on the same lines as noise pollution, this is an ever growing problem. I honestly can't wait for myspace not to be cool anymore so everyone can go back into isolation. Have you ever been in a public place and heard someone start a sentence with "I was on myspace and..."? Obviously an interesting story filled with adventure and tragedy is about to follow or something along the lines of "I was on myspace to see what other people were doing on myspace". You are probably thinking "Well, no, I go on to see what my friends have been up to." My answer...Obviously not much. Oh, but you got me, I have a myspace, that I rarely update, or do anything to. In fact I've never changed a color or added any kind of 'extras' that are somehow cool. Oh, and I never look at anyone elses because they are eye sores, and the fact that I don't care what's going on in your life, I have my own...I don't care your cat died, I don't care your boyfriend left you (probably for a very good reason), I don't care about the party you went to last night and how wasted you got, I don't want to look at pictures of you and your friends, I don't want to hear whatever crappy song you are into at the moment. Then God forbid you have to go and talk in person what someone did on their myspace, that should be the new definition for insanity. You are lucky all that happend to you was a simple blow in the face.




The fatal combo. (just imagine he is thinking about myspace.)